December 13, 2008

Purge. (It's private)

As dictated by Faranza Syns

I wanna get this out of my chest.I need to get this out of my chest.
Have to move on. For those of you who don't understand, don't bother. Afzan, I know you understand. Fuck, I feel like crying. And plus, I'm listening to "My Baby" by Brit. Ok, super sad song. And I really feel like crying.
This is a private lamentation. For those of you who are outside of my posse, please stop right here. In a moment of low dignity, I beg you, don't read further. Come back tomorrow, or the next day. That's when it'll all be better. Please.

**

I felt... rejected. More than once today. Hah... in fact... it saddens me, really. I value so little. A person texted me. I texted the person back. And I get an ego-tripping reply: oh, I thought I was texting your cousin. Sorry, wrong number.
Yes, I'm worth that little. I know I can't be compared to her. I'm sorry, just for being this way.
And I vowed I wouldn't ... keep contact with... *sigh*. But I'm sorry, Afzan, I couldn't actually carry it out. And I guess I'm bearing the brunt of this folly now. It's better to stay detached... separated. I didn't. I'm sorry. I'm disappointed in myself. The heart does what it wants to do. And me, being the absentminded fool of a romantic, I let it have its way.
Haha... that's why I stuck to my books, dug my nose deep into the heaps of books Amanda tossed my way. Because it lets me stay disconnected. Stay in my own world. The only hurt I'd feel.. is from the pain of the heroes and their ladies. I was satisfied that way. Until I had to come out of the cocoon.
Sometimes... despite my beliefs, I feel like ripping my heart and soul out, and displaying it in a glass case. So fragile. It won't stay safe in my body. It should stay someplace well protected-- not in my chest. It's just too vulnerable.
I'm too sensitive for my own good. And I care too much. Too much. Just a little, and I get nicked. Sometimes, I want to stay cold. I just want to stay unfeeling. Smile a smile that has no warmth. Watch things with little interest -- or better yet, none at all. Stare at jokes. Walk away from joy.
I don't resent my heart. It just... hurts a lot, that's all.
Sometimes I feel like crying everything out. But you can never really purge your sorrows, can you?
To you, who matters to me. I've to get over you. Fast. I'm sorry if I disappoint you. I always do. I disappoint everyone. I'm just... not even near to perfect.
Shut your mouth. I know I can always grow better. But I just want to cry over this for the moment. I bore you. I don't understand you. In fact, you're not the only one I bore. Surprise, huh? I bore a lot of people.
Haha.
Sad. Just sad.
I just want to stop hurting. Just to stop hurting. I'm desperate. I need to stop hurting.
Stop hurting me. Please. I beg you. I beg you. Stop hurting me.

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