July 7, 2012

The Soul Needs Some Loving Too.

As dictated by Faranza Syns

For as long as I can remember, I've been driving my life straight down a treacherously destructive path. At this confession, some might go "Pfsh, YOUR life was destructive? Mine's waaaaay worse" (though I doubt this is actually a point to brag about). But everyone has a different thing that they hold dearer than everything else. There is always something different that would destroy them if it were tainted, torn - tortured to death.

It's different, the triggers that drive people mad. In my case, sadly, it was me lying to my soul.

All my life, I've been lying to my soul. Don't get excited now - I'm not about to "come out of the closet" as a full-fledged lesbian (astaghfirullah, na'uzubillah). I am just saying that I have never given my soul due credit.

Recently, I've gotten back to reading after almost a year-long hiatus from leisure reading. And one book that really made me think about how I've been living my life is Paulo Coelho's "Like the Flowing River". In one of its pages, I found a wonderful guide: How to Climb Mountains. I read on, swallowing the words up whole, devouring every lick of wisdom I could find. But one step made me pause. It felt like something close to a slap. Not to my face, but to the core recesses of my entire being.

It said: "Respect your soul".

I've never thought of it like that. Heck, scratch that. I've never even thought of it. 

Greedy, I went on to read.

"Don't keep repeating 'I'm going to do it.' Your soul knows this already."

It made me stop and think. How many times have I said to myself "I will do this!" but end up making cowardly excuses?

Too many times. So many times that my soul has stopped trusting me -- I stopped trusting me.

Most people focus so much on the verbal lies people say - the white lies, the omissions - but what also needs focus is the lies we tell to our soul. Those are the most damaging to our self - our confidence, and our ability to trust what we tell ourselves.

It's sad, thinking about it. Though stumbling across this epiphany is wonderful, it still leaves me a little worse for wear, and more than a little weary.

And I wonder, how much longer will I continue lying to my soul? Surely it has had enough - but I just can't say. I don't trust myself to make promises anymore.