January 1, 2012

Three Stages to Saying Thank You

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Song in head: Things I'll Never Say - Avril Lavigne

Things I want to feel again:

  1. The agony of keeping a straight face when people are talking about someone I like
  2. The bursting joy of seeing him, and seeing that he looks healthy today
  3. The heaviness of the worry I feel when seeing him and noticing that he isn't feeling okay
  4.  The thrill of keeping my feelings a secret, even from the one who understands me most
  5. The unspeakable shock when he catches me staring
  6. The unspeakable coolness of keeping a straight face when he catches me staring
  7. The simple joy of having a conversation with him about everything and nothing
  8. The complicated turmoil of not hearing from him - to call or not to call?
  9. The cheesiness of sitting under the cool, shaded Sun, with the wind blowing, and imagining sweet nothings that will never happen.
  10. The pathetic joy of him wishing me Happy Birthday at the strike of midnight - even when he got the date wrong, that silly man.
  11. The exciting goal of being the first to wish him Happy Birthday, despite how eager it makes me look
  12. The ease with which I make excuses for him.
  13. The exciting promise of having a chance with him, slim though it may be (har, a pun on my weight. Nice one, brain)
  14. The simplicity of it all, years ago.

Things I don't ever want to feel again:

  1. I can list them down, but there will always be times when I will feel them again. They never go away - not really. You'll be seeing a lot of them throughout reading my blog anyways, so why bother casting a gloomy shadow over this post of reminiscence?

Things I am thankful for:

  1. Everything.

Things I hope for:

  1. Everything good. Period. I may be poetic, but I'm not masochistic. Good things are good =D Not going to wish for bad things to happen just so I can learn from them - they will come in time. Why wish them to come sooner? 

It's a new year. Let's try not to look back at the bad times too much, and not to cry over them. They happened, you survived - everybody's been hurt before, and you are never truly alone when it comes to heartbreaks and overblown misunderstandings. You came out stronger, and even if you went down, you went down swinging. It's time to sit back and catch your breath, and give yourself the proverbial pat on the back (unless you're a fan of truly patting your own back with your hand, then by all means, go ahead. I know I've done it more than once myself). You made it.

Now, send a quick prayer up above - time to get your hands dirty again.

My thank yous, I say them silently
In my heart - because that's where I'm most vulnerable to you.
Thank you.