Oh, the skeletons.

Oh, the skeletons.

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Texts between mother and daughter during the wedding night:

Me: Now, now dear, pls don't get too excited abt tonight. First and foremost, mummy wud like to ask if u hv any questions abt 'snoring'. Any at all. xD

L: Hahaha. I believe my husband has gone off 'snoring' without me, mummy. Seems like he's bored already! ;(

Me: Tsk! No wonder I felt reluctant to marry u off. But with ur uncle 'Rasyid' starting to make a fuss of himself, (wht, did he think he cud MARRY you?!) I was eager to marry u off. Eventhough the first to ask for ur hand was Marc. Tsk, tsk, nvm dear, u can always snore with someone else. Tht's wht mummy did when daddy got bored, u knw. xD

L: HAHAHA. Oh my god, mummy! Do you mean to say that daddy isn't my daddy and I have a father out there that I have no clue of? *gasps dramatically*

Me: Shhh, dun tell daddy. I still want to divorce him n get a big part of his wealth, u knw. N sadly, yes, my dear. Ur real daddy is somewhere out there. I didn't want to tell u for fear tht u were too young to understnd. But nw tht u're abt to do a great deal of snoring urself, I feel safe to admit.

L: HAHA. Well, mummy I don't intend for MY child to find out that he or she doesn't belong to marc, my beloved husband! How could you do this to me mum?? How could you hide something so terrible for this long? How about MY feelings? Oh, the horror! Oh, the pain! HAHA.

Me: Well, I mostly did it for entertainment, but I hv to admit tht I did for d snoring as well. Tsk, dear, ur child won't need to knw. U just hv to make sure tht u only snore with ppl who resemble Marc. *sigh* tht was mummy's mistake. Mummy shudn't hv snored with tht hot, smooth-talking Chinese hottie at the debate club. Why do u think u look chinese when ur daddy is a malay (with only 1/4 chinese in his blood)? Phew, his snoring was smokin. Ahem. Yes, I believe tht cud b ur real daddy, dear.

L: HAHAH. Okay, forgive me for MY continuous starting of texts with HAHAs. It really is funny. You're good. I'm speechless. Gahahahahaha.

Me: Haha xD, I knw. Tht's y ur daddy married me-- my humour. God knws he doesn't snore with me. I wonder who ur daddy snores with. Well, as long as he doesn't snore too hard, n giv u d misconception tht he's snoring with me, I'm ok. BTW, whose snoring did u hear, anw? I've never snored with ur daddy snice after u were born.... DUN DUN DUNNN...

L: Oh my god! You mean it wasn't YOU?? This is preposterous! Daddy's been snoring with other people under our very noses?? Mummy, do something!

Me: Well, I CUD hire someone to record him in d act, but I doubt neither u nor me wud like to see (or hear) his snoring... I can't believe u've been lulled to sleep by some othr woman's snoring. Talk abt betrayal! I will change my will 1st thing in d morning. No more 5 million dollars for u.

L: No mummy, I want my 5 million dollars! I really thought it was you mummy! Where were you then when I heard the snoring? You should've been there! Oh my god! Could it be a threesome?

Me: Eek, I shud've been there watching daddy snore? ... A threesome? ... U knw, I've heard of this fabulous private investigator who could capture d most splendid footages - even if it's at night. Ahem. We'll split, fifty-fifty, no? Meanwhile, I will, ahem,discuss, ahem, with my lawyer, and then I might just sleep, n do a bit of snoring. ahem.

L: With the lawyer?? Mother! I never knew you to be THIS promiscuous! I feel like I've been cheated my whole life :( Hahaha.

Me: Why not? It's not like anything wud happen if we snored together. N d lawyer IS hot anw. Ahem. Learn frm mummy n choose wisely.

The part where I cringe and grin at the same time at what I said:

Me: There, there, baby, he doesn't NOT hv d balls to admit. The way i see it, there r 3 possibilities: he's waiting for d right time to admit; he's trying to grow bigger balls to admit it; or he's snoring. I vote for number two! Poor thing has small balls. Let's not laugh at him. Poor ol' sod. At least ur daddy had great balls.

L: Or he just doesn't like me. HAHA, i wonder what zan would say if he knew we were talking about him like this.

Me: Who said I was talking about Zan? Mummy has many snoring partners, u knw.

L: Oh, I'm sorry! I just assumed it was my LEGAL daddy you were talking about.

Nothing like a great dose of post-wedding jitters to get all that skeletons out of the closet, eh?


I will stop talking about you.
But it doesn't mean you're forgotten.