Rant #1 - Being Single

Rant #1 - Being Single

As dictated by Faranza Syns

People whose sole happiness rely too much on "getting The Guy/Girl" and waiting for that happily-ever-after to be happy aren't going to get much satisfaction from their life as long as they're single - maybe even longer, who knows?

All those precious seconds gone to waste on waiting for something uncertain when what's certain is you can choose to be happy.

You don't need a significant other to define joy and light in your life. You're not crippled without them. You're not going to turn into a leper if you end up with no bf/ gf/ fiancé(e).

I'm not saying don't try to look for someone special to share things with at all. I'm just saying life doesn't necessarily need to be so bloody horrible while you're single. It's just time for you to learn more about yourself, and for you to fall back in love - with yourself.

Because by the end of the day, if you can't love yourself, someone else's love isnt going to be enough to make up for the lack of it.And how about when they leave - what else will you have to live for?

You have you.

SO STOP POSTING EMO POSTS ABOUT DYING AND KILLING YOURSELF JUST BECAUSE YOU JUST BROKE UP/ JUST HAD A FIGHT/ DECIDED TO HAVE TIME OUT.

Come on. Your soul deserves more respect than that.

The Soul Needs Some Loving Too.

The Soul Needs Some Loving Too.

As dictated by Faranza Syns

For as long as I can remember, I've been driving my life straight down a treacherously destructive path. At this confession, some might go "Pfsh, YOUR life was destructive? Mine's waaaaay worse" (though I doubt this is actually a point to brag about). But everyone has a different thing that they hold dearer than everything else. There is always something different that would destroy them if it were tainted, torn - tortured to death.

It's different, the triggers that drive people mad. In my case, sadly, it was me lying to my soul.

All my life, I've been lying to my soul. Don't get excited now - I'm not about to "come out of the closet" as a full-fledged lesbian (astaghfirullah, na'uzubillah). I am just saying that I have never given my soul due credit.

Recently, I've gotten back to reading after almost a year-long hiatus from leisure reading. And one book that really made me think about how I've been living my life is Paulo Coelho's "Like the Flowing River". In one of its pages, I found a wonderful guide: How to Climb Mountains. I read on, swallowing the words up whole, devouring every lick of wisdom I could find. But one step made me pause. It felt like something close to a slap. Not to my face, but to the core recesses of my entire being.

It said: "Respect your soul".

I've never thought of it like that. Heck, scratch that. I've never even thought of it. 

Greedy, I went on to read.

"Don't keep repeating 'I'm going to do it.' Your soul knows this already."

It made me stop and think. How many times have I said to myself "I will do this!" but end up making cowardly excuses?

Too many times. So many times that my soul has stopped trusting me -- I stopped trusting me.

Most people focus so much on the verbal lies people say - the white lies, the omissions - but what also needs focus is the lies we tell to our soul. Those are the most damaging to our self - our confidence, and our ability to trust what we tell ourselves.

It's sad, thinking about it. Though stumbling across this epiphany is wonderful, it still leaves me a little worse for wear, and more than a little weary.

And I wonder, how much longer will I continue lying to my soul? Surely it has had enough - but I just can't say. I don't trust myself to make promises anymore.

While the Emotion is Still Raw

While the Emotion is Still Raw

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Souls Painted Red.
by Faranza Syns

She knocked on your windowpane,
Just to see if you were doing okay,
Just to see if you were in pain,
Unafraid, she'd asked away,
She shouldn't have done that.

Because, you see,
You are doing fine,
There's no shattered glass in your eyes,
No exhausted shadows smeared,
Under your clear eyes so dear.

And she sees
Her guilt, convincingly staged,
On a battlefield laid to waste,
Had no right to be,
No claim to exist,
Just overblown excuses - emotions wrongfully played,
A sole prisoner in this torn war she'd waged.

Apologies aside,
She shouldn't have come knocking,
To see a glimpse of tear-stained grief;
Because all she now sees, is guiltless peace,
The silence calm of a sneering masterpiece,
A Mona Lisa smile that jeeringly leaves
The other suspended in no reprieve.

Fresh wounds paint her battered soul red,
She stood out there as the white cotton bled,
Seeing that hateful smile you are sporting,
In her mind, "I shouldn't have come knocking."

Benchmark

Benchmark

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Nobody likes looking back to yesterday and thinking, "I got it so good back then. When did everything start becoming crap?" It's a question I like asking myself - and a question my insecurities likes to bury away with a vengeance - and whole lot of binge eating. 

Whee. And now here I am, trying to make things better, or at least bearable.

I suppose you can say I'm making head way, but it's a long way to go. It's time to really try something to the best of my ability instead of running scared at the first sign of crippling failure.

Time to stop running.

Three Stages to Saying Thank You

Three Stages to Saying Thank You

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Song in head: Things I'll Never Say - Avril Lavigne

Things I want to feel again:

1. The agony of keeping a straight face when people are talking about someone I like
2. The bursting joy of seeing him, and seeing that he looks healthy today
3. The heaviness of the worry I feel when seeing him and noticing that he isn't feeling okay
4.  The thrill of keeping my feelings a secret, even from the one who understands me most
5. The unspeakable shock when he catches me staring
6. The unspeakable coolness of keeping a straight face when he catches me staring
7. The simple joy of having a conversation with him about everything and nothing
8. The complicated turmoil of not hearing from him - to call or not to call?
9. The cheesiness of sitting under the cool, shaded Sun, with the wind blowing, and imagining sweet nothings that will never happen.
10. The pathetic joy of him wishing me Happy Birthday at the strike of midnight - even when he got the date wrong, that silly man.
11. The exciting goal of being the first to wish him Happy Birthday, despite how eager it makes me look
12. The ease with which I make excuses for him.
13. The exciting promise of having a chance with him, slim though it may be (har, a pun on my weight. Nice one, brain)
14. The simplicity of it all, years ago.

Song in head: Just be Friends - Megurine Luka

Things I don't ever want to feel again:

1. I can list them down, but there will always be times when I will feel them again. They never go away - not really. You'll be seeing a lot of them throughout reading my blog anyways, so why bother casting a gloomy shadow over this post of reminiscence?

 Song in head: Coming Around Again - Simon Webb

Things I am thankful for:

1. Everything.

Things I hope for:

1. Everything good. Period. I may be poetic, but I'm not masochistic. Good things are good =D Not going to wish for bad things to happen just so I can learn from them - they will come in time. Why wish them to come sooner? 

It's a new year. Let's try not to look back at the bad times too much, and not to cry over them. They happened, you survived - everybody's been hurt before, and you are never truly alone when it comes to heartbreaks and overblown misunderstandings. You came out stronger, and even if you went down, you went down swinging. It's time to sit back and catch your breath, and give yourself the proverbial pat on the back (unless you're a fan of truly patting your own back with your hand, then by all means, go ahead. I know I've done it more than once myself). You made it.

Now, send a quick prayer up above - time to get your hands dirty again.

My thank yous, I say them silently

In my heart - because that's where I'm most vulnerable to you.

Thank you.