While the Emotion is Still Raw

While the Emotion is Still Raw

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Souls Painted Red.
by Faranza Syns

She knocked on your windowpane,
Just to see if you were doing okay,
Just to see if you were in pain,
Unafraid, she'd asked away,
She shouldn't have done that.

Because, you see,
You are doing fine,
There's no shattered glass in your eyes,
No exhausted shadows smeared,
Under your clear eyes so dear.

And she sees
Her guilt, convincingly staged,
On a battlefield laid to waste,
Had no right to be,
No claim to exist,
Just overblown excuses - emotions wrongfully played,
A sole prisoner in this torn war she'd waged.

Apologies aside,
She shouldn't have come knocking,
To see a glimpse of tear-stained grief;
Because all she now sees, is guiltless peace,
The silence calm of a sneering masterpiece,
A Mona Lisa smile that jeeringly leaves
The other suspended in no reprieve.

Fresh wounds paint her battered soul red,
She stood out there as the white cotton bled,
Seeing that hateful smile you are sporting,
In her mind, "I shouldn't have come knocking."

Benchmark

Benchmark

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Nobody likes looking back to yesterday and thinking, "I got it so good back then. When did everything start becoming crap?" It's a question I like asking myself - and a question my insecurities likes to bury away with a vengeance - and whole lot of binge eating. 

Whee. And now here I am, trying to make things better, or at least bearable.

I suppose you can say I'm making head way, but it's a long way to go. It's time to really try something to the best of my ability instead of running scared at the first sign of crippling failure.

Time to stop running.

Three Stages to Saying Thank You

Three Stages to Saying Thank You

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Song in head: Things I'll Never Say - Avril Lavigne

Things I want to feel again:

1. The agony of keeping a straight face when people are talking about someone I like
2. The bursting joy of seeing him, and seeing that he looks healthy today
3. The heaviness of the worry I feel when seeing him and noticing that he isn't feeling okay
4.  The thrill of keeping my feelings a secret, even from the one who understands me most
5. The unspeakable shock when he catches me staring
6. The unspeakable coolness of keeping a straight face when he catches me staring
7. The simple joy of having a conversation with him about everything and nothing
8. The complicated turmoil of not hearing from him - to call or not to call?
9. The cheesiness of sitting under the cool, shaded Sun, with the wind blowing, and imagining sweet nothings that will never happen.
10. The pathetic joy of him wishing me Happy Birthday at the strike of midnight - even when he got the date wrong, that silly man.
11. The exciting goal of being the first to wish him Happy Birthday, despite how eager it makes me look
12. The ease with which I make excuses for him.
13. The exciting promise of having a chance with him, slim though it may be (har, a pun on my weight. Nice one, brain)
14. The simplicity of it all, years ago.

Song in head: Just be Friends - Megurine Luka

Things I don't ever want to feel again:

1. I can list them down, but there will always be times when I will feel them again. They never go away - not really. You'll be seeing a lot of them throughout reading my blog anyways, so why bother casting a gloomy shadow over this post of reminiscence?

 Song in head: Coming Around Again - Simon Webb

Things I am thankful for:

1. Everything.

Things I hope for:

1. Everything good. Period. I may be poetic, but I'm not masochistic. Good things are good =D Not going to wish for bad things to happen just so I can learn from them - they will come in time. Why wish them to come sooner? 

It's a new year. Let's try not to look back at the bad times too much, and not to cry over them. They happened, you survived - everybody's been hurt before, and you are never truly alone when it comes to heartbreaks and overblown misunderstandings. You came out stronger, and even if you went down, you went down swinging. It's time to sit back and catch your breath, and give yourself the proverbial pat on the back (unless you're a fan of truly patting your own back with your hand, then by all means, go ahead. I know I've done it more than once myself). You made it.

Now, send a quick prayer up above - time to get your hands dirty again.

My thank yous, I say them silently

In my heart - because that's where I'm most vulnerable to you.

Thank you.

My Kids - take #2

My Kids - take #2

As dictated by Faranza Syns

I'm thoroughly fascinated by the amount of foreign children who go to KUMON. Okay, it actually takes less than the fingers of 4 hands to count down their numbers, but it's still a lot.

Foreign Kid #1 (OMG, I totally forgot to ask for his name)

I was teaching Aiman (the brother of the kid) when I first saw him. He looked nothing like Aiman (and I'd never seen him in the English section) so I sorta ignored him.

Until he opened his mouth.

You know, how I wish I had a voice recorder then.

I was going through the flashcards with Aiman (who scored 35/35 for both sections. *hidung kembang with pride*). Since he did so well, recording his achievement was easy-peasy (I didn't have to count the number of mistakes and blah blah blah). As per usual, kids were hanging around my table. I eagerly ticked off all of the words Aiman had said.

And then I heard a voice with the same colonial accent as Aiman (whom I adore).

"It makes it so much easy, eh?"

Very, very cute accent. I can't talk to Aiman much, since he's still so young and rather shy of strangers. But his brother was eager enough to talk.

Me: Where're you from, actually?

Him: (somewhere I don't quite remember)

Me: Oooh.

Him: But I was born in Scotland though.

Me: *uber excited* Ah! Speak Scottish!

Him: *shakes head, grinning* Can't. I only lived there for three years. Can't even remember it even.

Me: Oooooh.

Him: My dad's an Iraqi, my mum's the one who's Malaysian.

Me: That's so uber cool.

It really is, considering their whole family looks so pretty. BIG eyes.



Foreign kid #2

Her name's Umulkhayr. Actually, almost all her siblings are studying at KUMON, except a sister who is currently sitting for her A-levels.

She was reading her assigned passage, and I corrected a few of her pronunciation mistakes. At THAT moment, I was actually REALLY glad I took linguistics and we've covered Phonetics.

Umul: "And they withdraw--" (what was written was "withdrew", but she said it wrong.

Me: Withdrew.

Umul: What?

Me: It's pronounced "with-drew"

Umul: But it's an "e". I thought words with "e" sound like "a"

And I started explaining to her all about sound and spelling. And how conked English is in relating writing with pronunciation.

Me: So where're you from? *marks her work*

Umul: Somalia.

Me: Wow.

Umul: Yeah. We're not Malaysian. *smiles* Obviously. You? Oh wait, you're - of course you're Malaysian.

Me: Haha. Yeah. Don't I totally look Malaysian?

Umul: Do you travel?

Me: *blinks* Not really. The furthest I've ever been is - pfft, Thailand.

And then Umul starts talking about the places she's been to. Tibet (she lurrrves Tibet), and some other places I don't remember. Only Tibet got stuck in my mind. She doesn't like Thailand though. Haha. Says it's too disorganized. But she loves Singapore and Johore. Quiet and tranquil.

We then talked about schools.

Umul: Do you go to an international school?

Me: ME? No. Just government schools.

It doesn't shock me as much anymore when people ask me that. Apparently my English sounds too English for a Malay.

It was nice talking to her. She grumbled a little about how hard it is for her to look for clothes that fit her. The thing about Umul is that she may be only 13, but she's almost as tall as a full-grown average western man.

Umul: I hate it when the clothes fit me, but they're too short.

Me: *snort* You're in shorty country. We're dwarves compared to you.

Umul: And I'm only thirteen!

She's adorable.

Her elder brother is too. LOL.

...Oh my God. I am totally a paedophile.

Spouting.

Spouting.

As dictated by Faranza Syns

• I can't seem to find my Ballroom Dances DVD. Gah.

• Just walked over a warm spot on the floor. I suspect that's where my cat has been sleeping for 7 hours. Great. Free heater. Not that we need it considering this hot weather.

• Does anyone feel a sense of foreboding/fear/"Oh no, what did I do wrong now?" whenever their parents say "*insert your name*, come down for a moment, will you?" Gah. I totally do. Every time. Even when I am completely innocent, period.

• I trawled my friends' profile. Some of them have totally lost weight. Total jealousy. Will work doubly hard to lose weight now.

• While I was exercising this morning, one thought went through my head: "...I wonder when I can get my MUET results." I can't believe how eager I was. I mean, I thought that while my body was suffering. MUET's something, alright.

____________________________________

I love love love his genetics.


He is the result of...

This...






...plus this lecherous Sim who impregnated her.

Yayyyy!