Rentetan Solo

Rentetan Solo

As dictated by Faranza Syns

This is actually a repost of an older blogpost. The older post had a bit of a ... well. Lulz. Let's just say it was a bit too overwrought for my taste. Hence, a repost - a more lucid one. Here goes nothing.


Madahku

Melodi pilu bermain di segenap penjuru, selembut titisan air mata ibu, bercucuran membasahi bumi. Tangisan tiada kedengaran, hanya sayup-sayup jeritan hati meronta-ronta, mencari jalan keluar dari kurungan kepedihan nan terpendam.

Jeritan suara anak kecil, hati muda membisik kalimah suci… nama ibu. Jari-jemari halus menggapai udara, tercari-cari. Ke manakah perginya ibu? Tubuh lemah ketandusan kasih ibu. Ibu, aku kelaparan! Di mana kamu, ibu? Ibu, segeralah pulang!

 

Tidak, anakku! Ibu tidak rela! Ku lontar dirimu jauh dari sisiku, dari jiwaku, dari hatiku. Biarpun hujan turun membanjiri tanah merekah, mengusai kemarau nan panjang, luka di hati tiada pengubatnya. Biarlah darahnya mengalir, hangat dan pekat. Mungkin pada waktu itulah akan selesai kepahitan yang terbuku di hati.

Angin meraung-raung, mencari memori indah detik-detik lalu, ingin ditiup jauh kesengsaraan yang meretakkan hati. Si kecil melepaskan raungan jiwa, merintih, meminta, memohon dileraikan simpulan rindu di hati. Perlahan…perlahan…cengkaman pilu di hati melembut, lantas rebahlah dia ke alam mimpi, dibuai seribu bintang, dilindungi awan mendung malam. 

Oh, si ibu! Penderitaan yang datang bertubi-tubi bak hujan batu telah meranapkan hatimu. Sunyikah hatimu kerana dicemuh, dihina, dan dibuang bagai sampah? Runtuhkah mahligai kasihmu kerana kehadiran anak kecil itu? Lahir si anak ke dunia bak nur yang indah, tapi duniamu bagai dibayangi kegelapan malam, sesalanmu mencapai langit yang ketujuh. 

Oh, terimalah diriku, ibu. Tiada lagi yang ada untukku di dunia yang luas ini selain dirimu. Belailah rambutku dengan jari-jarimu yang lembut. Sentuhlah jiwaku dengan suaramu nan merdu. Hilangkanlah pedih di hatiku dengan ciumanmu yang halus bak awan. Usaikanlah keraguanku dengan senyuman manismu yang tidak ternilai. Ku tiada berbapa, hanya sebatang kara, hanya tubuhmu yang mampu menghangatkan duniaku daripada kesejukan. 

Rantapan si anak tidak dihiraukan. Si ibu memekakkan telinga, dibiarkan sendirian darah dagingnya yang menangisi pemergiannya, menangisi ketiadaannya. Wahai ibu, biarpun seluruh dunia memerangimu, anakmu tetap mencintaimu. Baginya, kamulah bumi, kamulah langit, dan segala kebahagiaan yang dapat dicipta hanyalah akan tercipta bersamamu. Madahnya buat dirimu tinggi, cintanya buat dirimu tulus. Sakit yang menjerut hatinya benar. Mengapa engkau sanggup meninggalkannya? Mengapakah engkau sanggup meninggalkanku?

Sepurnama demi sepurnama, penantianku tiada terhenti. Menanti saat kau kembali, meninggalkan segala-galanya buatku. Tetapi kau tetap tiada, dan aku tetap sendirian. Masih kekal madahku buatmu, namun kepedihan hati menghancurkan segala-galanya. Kau pergi, tidak kembali, langkah tersusun, mengejar alam yang fana! Si anak di sini menangis, menanti bunga yang tidak berputik. Senja nan sayu, merangkak menutup mentari. Mendung berlabuh, bertabur dan berlalu. Siang berganti malam, namun kau tetap tiada. Di sinilah berakhirnya segala-galanya. Di sinilah noktah terakhir madahku buatmu.

Di sinilah berakhirnya rentetan soloku nan pilu. 

___________________________________________

Author's notes (A.N): The work is a bit heavy. And is actually meant as a social critique. It was written during a time when baby dumping was a "trend". It was my first try at "abstrak" as requested by my Head of Department (who remains awesome till this day in his works of abstractness). Well, at least now I can add a Malay section to my Words of Art. Haha

Salam and peace be upon you.

 

Eyelashes

Eyelashes

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Eyelashes

by Faranza Syns

What is it about her that makes me love her? Now, that's a funny question – one that makes a man freeze and see red flashes of warning signals that say: "WARNING. WARNING. SEND BLOOD TO BRAIN. WRONG ANSWER LEADS TO BLOOD-FILLED DEATH. OR LIFE OF ETERNALLY STRIPPED MASCULINITY." The laden expectation in that question is like a minefield of explosive potential – it could go eitherway, but both ways are going to result in extremes.

It's really a funny – almost inapproproate – question to just ask someone out of the blue. People pose the question with lackadaisical nonchalance, but really, the weight that their stare bears after that question is made to echo in the space around you is enough to make your mind blank out. The question is asked as if it is part of the basics of a relationship that you spend sleepless nights staring into the warm, humid darkness, listing out all the reasons in your head for having "fallen” for that one extraordinary person.

How does anyone fall for anyone anyways?
A typical answer would be the "she's the most beautiful woman I have ever met” response. But that usually leads a man down a treacherous road where he would need all his wits about him to navigate, despite the heart-moving sincerity of his proclamation. And due to the fear the aforementioned choice of answer resulting in illogical female outrage (because really, we just praised you) another more self-righteous (and probably very heavily censored) answer is used: "she's so kind, she has such a beautiful soul.”

Really, both answers would probably score unsatisfactory marks after intense judging. Most probably because the question requires silent moments of introspection and time for you to really watch her in her own space, apart from you, for you to truthfully, rightfully answer. Really, that kind of question cannot be answered at the bat of an eye.

But… if you asked me the precise moment that I knew a future with her is what I want, I can tell you.

Have you… ever taken note of her eyelashes?

Such nondescript things, the eyelashes. Especially hers.

They weren’t thick, nor were they voluminous. They were sparse, spaced way apart and went down straight like a pin. I never knew eyelashes could be that straight. Anime eyes always made it all seem so …flicky – I mean, it always flicks upwards. But hers looked like a basic zinc roof, swooping down, shading her equally nondescript brown eyes (not surprised here. We are Asians, it’s expected).

I don’t really need to give you the time, the place, the context upon which this is all happening. It does not matter in the grand scheme of it all. I do not have to tell you if we were sitting at the library, studying for our finals; or if we were sitting around at the local mamak stall, nursing a hot cup of teh tarik while waiting for our roti canai; nor if we were sitting around the hexagonal meeting table at our office, experiencing a lull in activity as we rest our weary brains after a juice-draining session of brainstorming. These are all just residual noise in the background. What matters is the experience, the thoughts, and the feelings.

And at that moment, my mind and my soul were all still and muted. All I found myself doing is staring unblinkingly at her eyes. Just her eyes. Her plain, downcast eyes. Then, naturally, my focus slipped languidly to her eyelashes. I studied each lash, one strand at a time, amazed in all my stillness at the sheer fascinating plainness of them.

Then i saw it: the one lash – the one lash that defied them all. The one lash that curled up, like the lilting song of a nightingale against the ferocious beat of the wind. I was amazed, stunned – bewildered – at the existence of that one lash that curled.

I stared longer and revelled at the strength of such individuality of this one, lone lash that curled despite its numerous siblings falling victim to the gravity of genetics. I stared, and stared.

And then she looked up.

I froze, caught and petrified. My pumping heart could have pounded out of my ribcage and rolled all over the floor and I would probably still have been too scared to pick it back up and put it back in its place. To have been caught staring at someone was a social faux pas that cannot be easily justified – what excuse can you make, anyway? Sorry, was just looking at this eye booger you had near your eye? I cringed, feeling the rising red heat of embarrassment spread like wildfire on my face as she continued to study my face.

Then, those eyes – those plain, unimpressive eyes that I had just studied in their unguarded moments, shadowed by pin-straight lashes – did exactly what I did not expect them to do.

They warmed up. Those eyes – her eyes – slowly reached out to me with their subtle warmth, enveloping me, calming the growing echoes of my embarrassment.

Realizing that there is no shame in store for me, I sat up straighter, forcing the remnants of my disgrace to the backburner, and I took it all in: those smiling eyes, the equally bright smile carved on her lips, and the little chuckle and slight shake of the head that said volumes for me. "This guy is weird, but I like him".

(Or so I'd like to think, that is.)

She didn’t make things awkward. She didn’t make it weird. Instead of being instantly repelled by my clear inability to maintain acceptable social behaviour (i.e., not staring the heck out of someone), she chose to take my little blunder in stride, to laugh it off, to let me maintain a semblance of dignity at a time when I should be curled up into a ball of self-shame. She gave me a chance, the benefit of the doubt, and she chose a road where missteps are merely missteps.

She is so beautiful, in ways that I can’t really describe. Just because she was just so different. Like that lone lash going against the downward flow. Life with her would be a life of light-heartedness and infectious positivity.

She was special. And my heart knew it. My mind grew to recognize it later on, but it was at that moment that my heart decided who it was going to bare itself to.

And all it took was one eyelash.

_________________________________

 Note: If you still think I am lesbian after having read all that, then, no. I am not. It's a male's perspective. Lulz.

 

I felt the miracle, it was you.

I felt the miracle, it was you.

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Category: Songfic.
Author: Faranza Syns.

_________________________

Life couldn't get better
Life couldn't get better

Nothing would go wrong today. From the perfect way I woke up, right down to the perfect, clear glow of the early morning moon.

'Til now, the time without you in my life was full of darkness (without you baby)

Not hell or even high water would bring me down.

Not my mother's incessant yelling. Not my brother's unbreakable barrier of murky depression. Not my sister's high, shrill shrieks of strangled outrage, nor her younger sister's quiet obeisance to the law of the house, the rule that supposedly governs us all.

There is time enough for tears. For now, life would just remain perfect, untouched by the chaotic zephyrs of life, leaving me free to breathe. No choking here. No confusions, no running in circles chasing an evanescent dream.

"Kayla!"

I turned, and bestowed a smile on Erika. Just a smile. It was greeting enough. She understands me-- understands my situation. She is the roots keeping me grounded.

She approached me, something small clutched gently within her small hands. "Here," she beamed, holding the little package out.

The smile that had been playing on my lips widened. What she placed in my hand was the best gift yet that anyone had ever given me. Knowing Erika, it must have never occurred to her how much I would appreciate this. It was in her nature to give, and give freely she did. A special girl with the heart of gold. I could never ask for a better friend.

"Thank you," I thrilled. Looking down at the small packet of loveliness -- a small cupcake adorned with adorable swirls of cream.

But ever since I've met you, my life's been like a dream (baby)

"You've been smiling a lot lately," Erika mused. I smiled wider, unable to help myself, powerless to stop the pleasant heat suffusing my cheeks.

"Ahha!" Erika shot. "You've met someone haven't you?"

I stifled the wide beam on my lips, struggling to shrug nonchalantly at Erika's bulls-eye shot.

"You sly dog," she slugged my arm. "Who is it?"

"Not telling you."

Erika made a loud sound of disgusted disbelief. "And to think that I was worried about you."

When I first saw you (first saw you)
A miracle (a miracle)

Touched by her concern, I lurched forth and gave her a tight hug. "You don't have to worry anymore."

She stilled for a second. Then nodded and held me tight. "Good. Now I won't have to text you every other day to check on you. Now I'll leave it all to whoever it is that mystery guy is. Ugh," she said with mock disgust. I laughed, and let go.

I felt the miracle. It was you.

Class went on as usual. Humdrum like it has always been. Except for those little things I've overlooked before. Like the low sound of Clay behind me, spouting jokes so blunt, and so forthright, that it sounded hilarious. My hilarity was made clear as I laughed more than once, joyful and as boisterous as I could ever be.

Life couldn't get better (hey~)
I'll hold you in my arms and fly

Little things like Marl's daily routine of self-choking whenever the Literature teacher stepped into class. The comical expression on her face was hard to miss, and hard to stay stern at. I had turned on my chair, laughing as she writhed on her table, seemingly dying out of misery and the lack of air. Marl had looked at me when the Literature teacher chided her, rolling her eyes and pretending another bout of severe seizures.

This time, although my laughter was drowned by many others, I could hear it clear in my heart. It resonated in the seemingly hollow chambers. It sounded full.

We'll fly towards the blue moon (ho~)
I'll kiss you when you're sleeping

Just when I thought my little heart was going to burst, I calmed myself down a smidgen. And when all was suddenly silent, I heard again the small sounds that were my class. Clay's mutterings, Ian's not-so-quiet shout of attention, the blue streak coming from Lane's mouth, the small whispers interchanged between a few giggling classmates of mine. Me, with my head bent over today's Lit assignment... I just felt content. For once in my life.

Life couldn't get better (hey~)
Open your heart and take my hand

"Hey Kayla!" Cate called. "We've got a dance routine ready for the performance next March. You wanna join?"

It was the first time. The first invitation. The first olive branch. Reluctant, I stared at Cate's smiling face. What if it all went wrong? The myriad of disasters awaiting me, they weren't pretty at the least.

"Come on," Neera coaxed with an adorable whine. "It'll be fun. And it'll be awfully empty without you."

I blinked, unconvinced. "Wouldn't I be intruding? I'm not fun to--"

"TOSH." Firanza slapped any of my objections aside, a small, indiscernible smile playing on her lips. "You're fun enough, alright. Trust me."

Trust me. Trust her. No one asked for my trust before.

I smiled up at them, furiously fighting back tears. "Sure. Okay."

Cate and Neera hooted with delight. Never had I seen people so pleased at having me around. This smile on my face... I hope it never fades.

Life couldn't get better

***


I stumbled and nearly fell flat on my face. For many painful seconds, I paused, waiting for the coming laughter. A sound that would be mocking me, and my clumsy feet. Me and my misgivings.

The laughter came, and I cringed. For an anguished second, I stayed down, considering a quick, shameful escape out the gym doors.

Until Cate came beside me, laughing, collapsing. She laid down beside me, arms open wide, her erratic breathing slowing down. "Phew. That was a tough routine."

When I first saw you, a miracle (a miracle)
I love you baby and I'm never gonna stop

"Yeah," Firanza nodded, plopping down near me. "Oh, and nice save, Kaye. If it were me, I'd have rolled all over the floor, cursing a blue streak."

Did she just praise the way I fell? "I just..." my mouth ran dry. "I just found out that .. if you feel like falling, you jump, then get your footing again."

Neera laughed. "So that was what the frog-like jump was for. I see."

I am torn between laughing, or staring on at these girls, stupefied. Many years ago, I would have withdrawn from this conversation, preferring to lick my wounds in silence. I would have been blind to their warmth, their friendliness. Their capacity to forgive and make excuses for me. Their laughter would have hurt me deeply. But now, I see. They were kind, generous people. Why didn't I see this before?

I smiled. And laughed with them. Silly me. Strangers.. they could be kind people too. People who you could jump off plane with and laugh it off in the end. They were wonderful.

Life couldn't get better (hey~)
I'll hold you in my arms and fly

* * *

"You ho!"

Smiling, I turned to greet Zen. She approached me, and we air-kissed lavishly.

"Here," she handed me a note. "Some random guy from some random class passed it to me."

Random guy? My heart took on a staccato beat. Deep breaths. And heart, don't you dare stop beating.

Slowly, I opened the note. And broke into a smile.

Just the sight of his messy scrawl made my heart giddy, like it were ten feet high above the ground. After my rather caustic remark on his writing, he had tried to school it into some semblance of comprehensible writing. Looks like he was failing miserably.

We'll fly towards the blue moon
I'll kiss you when you're sleeping

Unbelievable, how much joy a heart can take.

"Tomorrow's a special day," Zen leaned against the table, eyeing me. I turned a beaming face her way. Zen rolled her eyes. "What are you going to do?"

When I didn't answer for a few seconds, she looked uneasy. "We could plan an outing. I mean, it is your birthday and--"

"But I thought you have a date with Clay tomorrow?"

Zen hid a pained look at that. I took in a deep breath. Years ago, I would have eagerly jumped at her proposal, completely blocking out the sight of her reluctance at playing along. But this year was special. This year was different.

I have him now.

Life couldn't get better (hey~)
Open your heart and take my hand

"No, it's okay, Zen. You can have your date with Clay. I'll be fine. Better than fine, even."

Life couldn't get better.

* * *

"So," he said. "What did you do today?" The smile on his face... it was delectably sweet. His eyes, they looked at me, like he cared. Like he was listening. Like I, for once, held the spotlight in life.

"Well," I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "I danced, and I fell."

He laughed at me. Normally, I would have smiled up at him shyly. But this time, completely forgetting to feel shy, forgetting to hide in my shell, painstakingly thinking over my reactions, I slapped his arm playfully, laughing.

What I want is

"What else?" he asked, grinning.

Once again, I looked up thoughtfully, not caring to look where I stepped, trusting his ability to guide me. Trusting him to protect me. For once, laying down my trust so starkly for someone to shield from harm did not feel so tough. Or so wrong.

A promise that we'll be together forever

"I laughed my butt off. And got some cupcakes from Eri."

He smiled. "I'd love some, thank you."

"Shouldn't it be 'I'd love some, please'?"

"Not when I'm sure you'll give it to me."

I threw my head back and laughed. Then, catching myself quickly, I closed my mouth, a hand placed above it. Goodness, that must've been embarrassing. I was so loud.

"You can't wait to feed me," he said, smug. Hands in pockets, he strutted by my side, tall and proud. Yet, in his eyes, I see a glimmer of joy barely suppressed. I see a human, flawed. I see a man, whose compassion and kindness outshone his imperfections. I see him.

"Whoever said so?" I retorted.

"It's the rule of a woman in love that they would want to feed their man."

I paused. It's the rule of a woman in love that they would want to feed their man.

Maybe he was right.

"Get out of here!" I laughed, shoving him disbelievingly. No way was I going to admit that it was true. I did not have the heart to stop my reactions. They were naturally honest. And I felt free doing it. Being myself.

If I were to be born again

"Hey! You can't help but love me, can you?"

"Yes, I can help it. Believe me, loving you needed a lot of... help." I nearly faltered. This was not something normal for me. Admitting such things are just not a part of my everyday routine. It did not come out easy, nor did it come out flippant. These things I say came from the heart. They mean the world to me.

I looked up at him, looking for a reply.

"Trust me," he said, leaning down, smiling at me. "Loving you needs no help at all. It's just easy."

I will still fall in love with you all over again

A choked laugh escaped my lips. Maybe I'll trust him.

* * *

When I first saw you,
A miracle,
I love you baby and I'm never gonna stop.

Life couldn't get better,
I'll hold you in my arms and fly,
We'll fly towards the blue moon,
I'll kiss you while you're asleep,
Life couldn't get better,
Open your heart,
And take my hand,
Life couldn't get better.

"Wait," I said, swinging our arms back and forth. "What's your full name, again?"

He grinned. "Guess," he dared.

I smiled wolfishly up at him.

___________________________

That's right, guess, you idiots. Haha. Well, phew. Finally got that one out of my system. If you guys are smart, I'd say you saw some familiar characters in the story. Since everyone seemed to be in the "Valentine" mood, I really had to purge this from my mind. Intervensi is next week, either ways, so it's better I have this out of the way. Not nagging me every other second.

Oooh, and his name is eh... guess yourself la. Gahhaaa, I ain't tellin'.

;p



Disclaimer: Song is by Super Junior, entitled Miracle. Credits go to Aheeyah for such wonderful translations. I am not stealing the song, merely using it as a base for a fiction. A lousy fiction, but fiction nonetheless. Be happy. I am promoting SuJu here.


Oh, and bye bye, Tarrant! Enjoy Australia!




Dola bojiman go tona gara,
To narul chaji malgo sara gara.

Don't look back, and leave.
Don't look for me, and live.

Norul sarang hetgie hue obgie
Ju atdon giok man gajyou gara.

Because I loved you, because I don't regret,
Just take with you the happy memories.

Kiss Kiss Muahx!

Kiss Kiss Muahx!

As dictated by Faranza Syns

Okay, I have officially gone insane. Refer up there. You see that blog title? That's not me. Just my alter ego straining to get out. I don't care anymore. Screw Add Maths. It felt easy, but I guess that's because I answered all of them wrongly. Ah, screw screw screw!

Bio was quite alright. Better than I expected. Well, the questions that is. I dunno about my answers. I might just get 1 mark out of the whole paper. Okay, where's that shovel? I feel like digging a grave for myself right now. It'll be easier to bury me later on when you find me dead over my Bio paper bearing my marks.

I feel like writing a story... so.. here goes.

p/s: I want comments. Or this blog goes bye-bye. I don't care if it's daylight blackmail. I want comments. Capisce?

nyekk ;p

______________________________________

Kiss Kiss Muahx!

"Staring is impolite, you know."

He looked up and blinked. And continued staring. My cheek twitched as the irritation finally got to me. "Dude, you wanna stop staring now? Cuz it's freaking annoying!"

I couldn't stop the widening of my eyes as he stood up slowly, still staring. He was gaping like he just saw his dead mother come to life (pardon). And then, he looked fascinated. And horrified. I gritted my teeth. Getting people who stare was common for me. Especially when it's girls. I get that thing always. I mean, it's understandable since I'm somewhat good looking in a quirky kinda way. But not when guys are staring.

And this guy was definitely staring.

"Dude, I dunno if you're queer--"

"Are you a guy or a girl?" he asked abruptly. The shock of the question made me stutter.

"You blind or something?!" I retorted, which wasn't really an answer.

"I don't know. You tell me."

"I think I'd know my own gender."

"But I don't. So, what are you?"

"You don't know your own gender?"

"Playing dumb won't get you anywhere."

This turn of conversation is starting to wear at me. "It's plain as day that I'm a guy, dumb ass."

"Ahh..." he said. And only when he moved back did I realise how close he was.

God. Oh my God...

He looked at me thoughtfully, an amused smile quirking his lips. "You know. I'm starting to wonder if I am queer. It seems I'm attracted to you."

He gave a cheeky salute, turned and sauntered out.

My eyes stayed at the doorway.

Oh shite.

This wasn't good.

Alright, why the heck did I lie?


*

"It's impossible."

I looked up from the table I was bent over and stared at the male who sat --quite purposefully and strategically -- behind me. If I wasn't wrong, he was staring at my derriere.

I scowled at him, but he still stared intently, chin propped up on a palm. "It's impossible for a guy to have an a--" he stopped himself and looked up into my eyes. Alright, all of us know the word he was about to use, so it's kinda pointless for him to change the word to "butt". They are relatively the same, so I gave him a droll look.

"How can a guy have an ass like that?"

I scowled. "It's god-given. Shut up and eat your meal."

He gave a long-suffering sigh and toyed with the food on his plate. Just when I was starting to feel thankful I lied that I was a guy, he had to dash that thought from my head. He badgers like a girl. And isn't he the least daunted with the fact that he might be gay?!

"Did you have a sex change?"

I tossed the dishcloth on the counter and turned to face him. "You know what? I think you're in denial."

He grinned up at me. "Denial?"

"You said you like me, but since I'm a guy, you can't accept the fact. So now, you start making up excuses like 'oh, her ass is too--"

I paused at what I said. I said her. And my voice. My voice slipped. Then, I realised. I shouldn't have paused. At all. I could have faked a cough and pretended I was losing my voice. But when I paused and pondered on my mistake and the sudden change in my voice... oh shite.

"You said her. And your voice...So are you a girl?" He looked so eager, I felt like smashing his face.

My mind worked in a flurry. "I... meant... well," I cleared my throat. " I was thinking in your view. Since you think of me as a girl, so I--"

"I'd think a guy hates to be compared to a girl. I'd have punched my lights out if I were you."

"Well, thank your lucky stars I'm a pacifist."

"Pacifist!" he guffawed."Okay then. So that may be the reason. But what about your voice?"

"What about my voice?"

"Seriously, you should stop acting like a guy. It'll do both of us good."

I nearly gaped at his words.

"I mean, it'll be easier for me to date you and stuff. I don't really go all out against homosexuality, but I'd prefer that people don't make mountains out of anthills. You know, they'll talk when they see me with a guy. Kissing and stuff. You do know we're gonna do that, don't you?"

"You know what? I'm not putting up with this."

As I turned to leave on a huff, I swear I saw a grin on his face. Darn it! I don't really pull pranks on people. But mostly, people fell for it. There are the doubtful few, but a convincing act from me usually shakes them off, and they believe I'm a guy all over again. I don't have a sexuality complex. I'm comfortable being a girl. But it is somewhat fun when you get to dupe people.

But this guy was darned hard to dupe!

"Think about it!" he yelled over the din towards me. "By the way, you have a nice ass!"

I sputtered, and let out an exasperated sound. Will the guy ever stop?

I can't do this anymore. My chest felt like it was about to burst. Why the hell was my heart beating so hard and fast? No way. I can't actually like him, can I?

Kissing and stuff? My heart hammered double-time as the thought entered my head.

Oh-ho! Danny-girl, you've gone way over you head this time!

*

"Look."

My eyes widened as he gripped my arm and pulled me to stand directly in front of him. Did I mention he was tall? Oh yeah, real tall. And his shoulders... I stared at his serious face staring into mine. "What?" I asked, my eyes staring into his. Okay, did I ever find his eyes annoying? If I ever did, I take it back. Why would I find green eyes annoying? They were the warmest green eyes I've ever seen... and the most serious, too.

Alright, maybe I could come to like this guy. And besides, he's very persistent.

I swear, I nearly melted into a huge puddle of goo on the floor when he bent his head and stared deep into my eyes.

"I give up. Okay. I'll accept the fact that you're a guy."

I blinked. Okay. Does that mean he's giving up?

"And you're right, I am gay."

I'm not too sure what I did, but I think I dropped my jaw then.

"I guess I approached you because you seemed so much like a girl and since I knew you were a guy... well, it's to assuage my conscience, I think. And I don't like girls."

I couldn't breathe. NO WAY. This was NOT happening. Just when I'm falling for you, then you're falling for pseudo-me? NO FREAKING WAY! And you DON'T LIKE GIRLS?! What the hell is wrong with... with.. with you?!

"So, I accept it. I'm gay. As long as you're a guy, then that's all that matters."

He bent down. NO, HE IS NOT GOING TO KISS ME, I thought. And yes, the thoughts were pretty much echoing in my head in capital letters.

"Wait," I pushed at his chest. "You don't understand."

"What? Come on, I've accepted the fact that you're a guy, and I'm gay. So what else is wrong?"

"I'm..."

"What? You're not ready to accept that you're gay too? It's okay. I'll wait. But just let me kiss you one time, then--"

"NO, YOU CAN'T KISS ME!" I was fairly shouting in hysteria. The people in the diner who were staring quite intently at the drama unfolding in front of them kept on staring, unabashed. I sputtered, then grabbed his arm and pulled him out the back door, and into the back alley. I pushed him against the wall in hopes that I could get him in control.

"Oh," he said, as if just realising something. "You should've just said you wanted privacy." He bent down again.

"DON'T KISS ME!" I slammed my hands against his chest. He choked for a second, then held my hands on his chest.

"Ow," he complained.

"Shush-- just.. just shut up for a moment. I need to think."

He thinks he's gay. And basically he's in love with me. Okay, that's pretty straightforward so far. But let's put in my part as well. I'm not a guy, I'm a girl. And he hates girls. And I like him. A lot. But he hates girls, so it's a no-no. I can keep on pretending to be a guy, but he'll find out eventually. I do lack something a guy -- all guys -- should have, you know. And I have something else in abundance that guys should have very little of.

Oh crap.

"Hey? Done thinking?"

"Shhh!" I waved impatiently at him. He shut up obediently, for once.

"Your fingers are tapping my chest."

"Oh, wow, that's very interesting. Now shush."

So what should I do now? Tell the truth, I'll lose the chance. He hates girls. Lie, I'll get some time with him, but it'll eventually end. Disasterously. And yeah, lying to him will be like cheating him the truth.

And I was sick of lying. I couldn't do it anymore.

"Listen,..." Okay, I barely know his name.

"Devon," he offered. Ah, dang. And Devon is such a beautiful name. What a waste that he's gay.

"I'm... I've lied to you."

The smile on his face slipped. That's when my heart slipped down my chest and into my tummy as well. "What do you mean?"

I took a deep breath, and braved on. "I'm... not the person you think I am. I'm not a guy. I lied. I thought it would be fun to lead you on. I didn't really think you were actually gay. I... I guess... I kinda helped you find yourself." I let out a weak laugh. I can't do this. "I hate it," I said, my voice going really low and soft. "I hate the fact that I turned you fully gay. It was a stupid thing for me to do. And I already had you in my grasp... or maybe not."

I pulled away from his tensed and rigid form, then rubbed my hands self-consciously together. "I'm a girl. My name is Dannette and I'm okay with me being female. I have four brothers who act like neanderthals, so I guess that's where you found me being so masculine." I laughed again. But bitterly this time.

"The first time you stared at me.. I thought you were insane. When you asked me if I were a girl or a guy, I just thought you were a nuisance. Then, you kept on coming back. You kept on doing the one thing people don't do-- you insisted that I was girl. And kept right on flirting with me, even with the risk of me being a guy. I felt... heck,I dunno," I mumbled. "I felt nice I guess. I should've stopped the act there. Should have said I'm a girl. Because I really liked you. Then, maybe you and I could have been together."

"But now," I swallowed. "I guess it's a bit too late, huh? If I'd stopped it earlier, you would've... you know what? Forget it. I'm a girl. Full-stop. That's all I have to say.

When I looked up, there was such confusion in his eyes, I just had to look away.

"This changes things."

I nodded at what he said.

"I guess this ends here, then."

Dreadful. Utterly dreadful. I felt tears start to clog my throat, and my nose running. Oh, darn it. This always happens. I swiped madly at my nose, then nodded.

We could have had a chance, had I stopped the pretense fast. He might actually fall in love with a girl. Fall in love with me.

But I guess this is karma. I played him for a fool, now it's my turn to suffer.

"Look, Dannette," he said. "It's not the end of the world, you know. I'm actually thankful you let me find the real me. Now I understand my feelings better."

Direct translation: Thanks for showing me that I'm a true, hardcore gay.

I let out a loud sniffle and choked violently on a sob.

"So, I guess I'll see you around."

He's leaving. I pulled in a deep, shaky breath, and nodded, looking up at him. I tensed my lips to cease the trembling. I guess it worked.

"We can still be friends, you know."

"You don't like girls."

"I didn't say I couldn't use them as a friend."

My shoulders sagged. But my mind worked. I guess I can settle for being just a best friend. It's better than nothing. I like his personality. We'll be great friends.

Love doesn't really have to come through dating, no?

But I still hate it.

But it's life. It's high time that I accept it.

I nodded. He nodded. Then, he straightened up. "I guess I'll go."

And he walked away, I waved, and he nodded back at me. The warmth of his gestures had disappeared. I guess he really doesn't think of girls in an intimate kind of way. I took a deep breath and sighed, sniffling. There'll be other guys. I'm sure. I've learned my lesson. Life can't always go your way, I suppose. And you should definitely never play with people's feelings. You'll just end up crippled in the end...

I turned, smiled to myself, resigned, then opened the door to step in. As I stared in, everything felt a little bit normal again. Just like any other ordinary workday. I took a deep breath and forced a smile on my face.

Life's moving on.

"Hold it, young lady!"

I paused.

Devon was over there, smiling at me, right where I had pushed him the moment we had stepped out of the diner.

He came back?

"What?" I asked.

He threw back his head and laughed. "Ah, God, I can't stand it anymore!"

Bewildered, I stared up at him. "Are you okay? Did the fact you're gay bring too much stress on--"

"No, silly." He paused and stared down at me. "I'm not gay. Never have been. Never will be."

"But you said..." The real meaning finally sank in. "Ugh, you rotten dog! You duped me!"

He laughed, and choked again when I slammed my hands onto his chest.

"Hey! Who duped me first?"

"Yeah, like you were ever led to believe I was a guy."

"You said you were."

"But you never believed a word."

"I'm a smart guy."

My temper is never actually a beautiful thing. Bu ast he grinned down at me, I couldn't help the sudden softening in my heart.

His fingers pushed back my boyishly layered hair from the side of my face. "I couldn't stand it, you know. I wanted to see how long you were gonna hold out."

I raised my chin. "If I had continued pretending to be a guy?"

"Honey, you haven't got the extra appendage I have. And gays aren't eunuchs, you know. They'd have sex sooner or later."

My face coloured and my breath came short at his very direct phrasing. "But still--!"

"Shush. Now, tell me more about how much you love me."

I blushed deeper and pulled away. "What do you mean? I never said."

"I do believe you said something along the lines of 'I want you and I to be together, forever.'"

"I said no such thing!"

He chuckled. "Sounded like it though."

"Ooh, you rotten... male!"

He laughed. "So," he began. "Now that we've clarified that you're a girl, I'm a guy and I'm not gay, let's start over, shall we?"

I stared up at his grinning face and sighed. "Yes, I guess it's for the best." I extended my hand. "Hi, My name is Dannette Carter. And you are?"

"Not pleased. I was thinking of another way of starting over."

"Really? How?"

It was the wrong thing to say. He swooped down. I shut my eyes tight.

But instead of landing on my lips, his kiss brushed my cheek, then my forehead.

Okay, maybe it was the right thing to say.

"Better." He said. "And my name's Devon McKnight."

The kisses turned me giddy. I felt so all soft and warm outside. And let's not talk abou tmy insides because it was ten times worse. "Ooh, very english. Very proper." I couldn't help myself. I giggled.

He grinned wolfishly. "But I'm having really improper thoughts in my head."

My eyes widened, and I shrieked, turning tail, running. Laughing. Loving. Feeling alive.

Devon McKnight. We have a long ways to go yet, but I have a good feeling about this. A very good feeling.


_________________________________

The Best Thing

(And no, it's not The Best Damn Thing by Avril Lavigne)
Savage Garden



Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

Sometimes I feel like this is only chemistry
Stuck in a maze searching for a way to
Shut down turn around feel the ground beneath me
You're so close where do you end where do I begin?
Always pushing and pulling
Sometimes sanity takes vacation time on me
I'm in a daze stumbling bewildered
North of gravity head up in the stratosphere
You and I roller coaster riding love
You're the center of adrenaline
And I'm beginning to understand

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

Walk on broken glass make my way through fire
These are the things I would do for love
Farewell peace of mind kiss goodbye to reason
Up is down the impossible occurs each day
This intoxication thrills me
I only pray it doesn't kill me

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

You're the center of adrenaline
And I'm beginning to understand
You could be the best thing about me

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

You could be the best thing about meWhat if you're the best thing about me?

Be strong, be faithful.